In Praise of Romance
by the zapdos
Summary: Critically acclaimed bestselling author the zapdos has decided to break his stance that he would never write romance with this bold new story. Featuring all of your favorite shipping combinations including Phinbella, Canderemy, and Ferbnessa; it is also an unabashed satire of everything fluffier than a cute white bunny. Viewer discretion unadvised. the zapdos does not own P&F.
1. Clueless Phineas

Clueless Phineas

"So, how many kids do you want to have?" Jeremy asked his red-headed fiancé.

"Oh, I've always wanted to have two kids I could name Xavier and Amanda." Candace snuggled closer. The two were taking a break from all the wedding plans they'd been making, and the exhausting work had left them slumped on the sofa in the Flynn-Fletcher living room. Candace was itching for an afternoon nap and nuzzled in a little closer. "I can't believe we're getting married tomorrow."

"Stop," Jeremy fidgeted, "you're tickling my ear with your hair."

"Oh, you're so cute when you're ticklish. In fact, you're just plain cute." Candace jabbed him in the rib with her finger.

"Hey, no fair," Jeremy teased as he caught her hand and held it tight. "I bruise easily!"

"Aw, then let me make it better."

"Eww, gross!" Phineas walked in the room just in time to see the couple leaning in for a kiss and started to make gagging noises at the sight. "You guys aren't married yet! Enough kissing already!"

"Phineas!" Candace growled, annoyed at her younger brother's immaturity. She stood up, partly to stretch, partly to glower. "When are you going to grow up?"

"Well, I am almost as tall as you now." Phineas put down the groceries he'd just brought into the house so to stand up straight. "And by the way, here's the refreshments for the reception. Anything else I can do to help out, Candace?"

"No, I don't need any of your crazy inventions ruining me and Jeremy's special day." Candace grabbed the bags and lugged them to the kitchen.

"I know a way you guys can help out," Jeremy suggested as Ferb entered the room.

"No way!" Candace practically bolted back into the room. "We are just having a normal, old-fashioned, happy wedding without any dancing robots, light shows, random clowns, a trampoline aisle, or Buford wearing a pink pinafore. Got it?"

"I was just going to say that they could help us set up the chairs," Jeremy said.

"We'd be happy to!" Phineas delightfully replied.

"Okay, but that's it! Nothing else!" Candace demanded.

"Sure," Phineas said, "if that's what makes you happy." He and Ferb left.

"Grr, I can't wait until I don't have to deal with them anymore," Candace steamed.

"I like your brothers, they keep life interesting."

"Yeah, interesting and bustable."

"You know," Jeremy stood and went to put his arms around her shoulders, "if you really want to bust your brothers, you should let them build something for the wedding. Your mom isn't gonna miss it for the world, she'd have to see a huge invention sitting there."

Candace took a moment to think about it. "You're right! Why didn't I think of that? You're a genius!" With that, she leaned in for a grateful kiss.

"Oh, come on! We're right here!" Phineas said, as he and Ferb reentered the room for the second time. "Why do you guys have to keep doing that?"

Candace broke from her fiancé and rounded on her brother. "Why? Because it's a perfectly normal thing to do, Phineas. I swear, one of these days, you are going to kiss someone and it'll be all like, woah, this is totally amazing. And when that happens, I am going to be there to say, 'I told you so.' And I'll be just as annoying as you are being right now."

Phineas was slightly taken aback by Candace's retort, having not realized how thinly all this planning was wearing her. "Sorry, Candace. I just don't understand what's so great about kissing. It's not very logical. It's just a form of touch communication, used by humans and a few other species of primates as a sign of affection. Plus there's the added risk of potential germ transferal, muscle soreness, or lost teeth. You could communicate in plenty of other, more sterile and efficient ways."

"Phineas, I promise you, you aren't going to lose any teeth while kissing."

"But what if they have braces? Those could hurt!"

"You'll never understand if you try to reason about it. It's not about logic or sterile-ness. It's about love, and that's something you can't compute, measure, define, or quantify. None of your science is going to ever help you understand, Phineas. Only your heart will." Candace explained.

"I can see where you're coming from, but kissing just doesn't seem all that appealing to me."

"I'm not buying it. Everyone's a bit of a romantic on the inside. Even you, Clueless."

"You can think what you want, but that doesn't make it true."

"Well then, how about I do it your way and think about it _logically_. From what you're telling me, if you don't like kissing, than does that mean you don't like girls?" Candace insinuated in question form.

"I like everybody, Candace. There's nobody in the world I don't like."

"You know what I mean. Answer the question. Do you like girls, or not?"

"I—." Phineas lifted a hand to scratch his left ear as he cast his mind about, searching for an answer to Candace's question. "Well—um—."

"I thought so," Candace smiled triumphantly. "You do like girls, don't deny it."

Phineas gave in. "That doesn't change anything. I still think kissing is gross."

"That's only cause you haven't tried it. Once you have had your first kiss, you are never the same person afterwards. You'll see."

"I don't think so; you see, I'm never going to kiss a girl. I can't think of any situation where it would be the logical thing to do. Unless of course, somebody needed CPR, but that's why I always carry around the pocket-sized resuscitation device Ferb and I invented." At that, Phineas whipped out the device, showing it to the others.

"That is so wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to start," Candace admitted.

"It's logical. By definition, you never know when an emergency will occur, so the only way to be prepared is to always carry one with you." Phineas replaced the device back in his pocket.

"That wasn't what I was talking about. And stop saying the word 'logic' so many times, you're sounding like Mr. Spork from the Space Adventure movies. It's getting annoying!" Candace spat.

Phineas looked like he didn't know how to respond to that.

"Look, Clueless," Candace lectured, "no matter how long it takes, someday you'll be in a situation where it will just seem natural. You're the right boy, she's the right girl; eventually you two will finally spark like your favorite welder."

"What do you mean, 'she's the right girl?' What are you talking about?" Phineas asked.

"You really are clueless," Candace sighed, shaking her head.

"And why do you keep calling me that?"

"Because it's what you are. Clueless Phineas Flynn."

"I am not! I'm not clueless, am I, Ferb? Ferb?" Phineas looked to his side, just realizing his step-brother was no longer there. "Hey, where's Ferb? He was right here with us just a minute ago."

Candace shrugged her shoulders.

"Well, if he was here, I am reasonably certain he would back me up."

Candace snorted at that. "Yeah, right. Everybody knows how oblivious you are except you. I swear, it's like a bad soap opera. Honestly, I really thought you'd be old enough to see it by now."

"Are you speaking metaphorically or literally right now? Because I'm getting the vibe that you're speaking metaphorically right now."

"No-o," Candace sarcastically drawled, rolling her eyes. "Why don't we try having this talk again once you hit puberty. Then we might actually get somewhere." With that, Candace strolled past her brother and out of the room. Suddenly thinking better of it, she stopped by the hallway to say one last thing. "Hey, Phineas, I know something you can do today."

"What, Candace?"

"For your project, why don't you try kissing a girl? I promise you, if you want to make the best day ever, your first kiss is a day you'll never forget." Turning again, she smirked at the thought of leaving him at lost for words, and walked off.

Phineas looked over to see Jeremy fast asleep on the couch. Apparently, he hadn't thought their conversation very interesting. "Where is Ferb?" Phineas asked aloud. "He could've helped me explain the folly of romance. What potentially ironic activity could he possibly be doing right now?"

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**Thanks for reading. To be continued as soon as it's ready.**


	2. Kiss Me, I'm Drusselsteinian

Kiss Me, I'm Drusselsteinian

It was so unlike Ferb to run off like that. Usually, the step-brothers were inseparable. Phineas couldn't figure out why, but he had noticed that recently, Ferb seemed to disappear as often as Perry did. He would be gone for a maybe an hour or so, and then reappear and act like nothing at all had happened. Phineas decided it was high time he figured out what Ferb was up to.

He tried to imagine what Ferb could possibly be doing. Phineas had already celebrated his birthday, so Ferb couldn't be preparing a surprise party. If it were anything else, Phineas expected Ferb would have involved him. He was stumped. What else could possibly explain Ferb's behavior? Deciding there was only one way to find out, Phineas went off in search of his brother.

Ferb wasn't anywhere to be found in the house. He wasn't in the backyard, in the S.H.E.D., in the tree, or even in the garage. He wasn't at Baljeet's, he wasn't at Buford's, and he wasn't at Isabella's. Finding himself at a loss, Phineas decided to do what he always did to solve a problem: invent some impossible thing to fix it. He decided to use precepts behind previous inventions to work with. By combining the technologies from the photo transporter and the cuteness radar, he would be able to build a handheld device that would display the present location of a scanned image from anywhere within the boundaries of the Milky Way Galaxy. Of course Phineas built it in an unrealistically short amount of time and scanned a picture of Ferb into the database.

"It says Ferb's in downtown Danville," Phineas said aloud. "Let's go find out where."

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"If this is right, then he should be right around the corner," Phineas stopped to get his bearings. From where he stood on the sidewalk, he was about a block away from the grocery store and three blocks away from the gas station. What was Ferb doing here? There weren't any hardware stores nearby, which were the only stores Ferb was known to frequent. Phineas rounded the corner and stopped dead in his tracks.

There, across the street, he had instantly picked out Ferb's bright green hair, seated at the table of an outdoor café. Phineas did a double take when he saw who was seated across from the Brit-a young woman with long brown hair, wearing all black leather. Phineas instantly recognized Vanessa; he and Ferb had once planned a Halloween bash at her castle, as well has given her a ride to Paris, France on the summer solstice a couple of years back. But what was she doing with Ferb? There were two little white teacups on the table, and the pair seemed to be _talking_. Why? That seemed like such an odd thing to do, to sit and talk over drinks. Didn't it?

A second's thought quickly dispelled that notion. It was a _completely_ _normal_ thing to do, especially when the individuals consisted of one boy and one girl. Not only was it normal, but, Phineas was careful to note, it was a little _romantic._

Phineas quickly ducked out of sight. "What is Ferb doing in an ostensibly romantic setting with a girl?" Phineas asked himself. "Is he interviewing her for a social studies project? Is he playing a part in a big-budget movie? Is he being held hostage by robbers?" Phineas was so unprepared for what he had just witnessed that the obvious answer didn't come to him until last. "Or, is it possible that Ferb is on a date?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Phineas knew that had to be it. "Ferb is dating Vanessa! Wow, talk about surprise! My own brother! How did I not know about this?" Then, noticing there were other people on the street as well, Phineas decided to stop speaking his thoughts aloud.

_Okay, relax, self,_ he told himself,_ I don't know for sure that it is, in fact, a date. Maybe Ferb wanted some tea and just happened to sit by an old friend. Or, maybe he wanted to invite Vanessa to Candace's wedding. Yeah. For all I know, they might not even be talking at all, I mean; Ferb is Ferb._ Phineas peeked around the corner again, watching. The couple stood up, grasped hands, and began walking the other direction.

_And now they're holding hands. I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Vanessa might have forgotten her eye contacts, and Ferb being the gentleman that he is, offered to walk her home. Or, it's possible that they were abducted by aliens who stole their bodies to reconnoiter the planet earth for invasion. Yeah, that makes perfect sense,_ Phineas thought. This thinking might have sounded like sarcasm to someone else, but Phineas was being dead serious._ A potential alien invasion is more likely than Ferb going out with a _girl_, much more likely_.

Phineas followed as the couple made their way down the street. Presently, they turned down an alley behind a tall, purple building and out of view. The moment Phineas looked down the alley, he saw them at the far end, kissing passionately. Phineas was simultaneously disgusted, embarrassed, and surprised beyond measure. Disgusted because of his view on kissing. Embarrassed because he knew he shouldn't have been spying on Ferb. And surprised because, well, frankly, he did not see this coming. He wanted to look away from the vivid sight of Ferb and Vanessa, engaged in the process of transferring saliva between a male and female host. Phineas watched for several seconds until he finally managed to tear his eyes away. He turned and made his way back home unnoticed, leaving the pair to their supposed privacy.

_Well, there is no room for any other option. Ferb is definitely dating Vanessa. And they're pretty serious from the looks of it. How come Ferb never told me?_ Phineas wondered.

* * *

No matter what he did, Phineas couldn't shake the memory of Ferb kissing Vanessa from his mind. The image kept popping up regardless of how hard he tried not to think of it. The worst part of it was the squirmish feeling crawling around inside his gut. This was why Phineas didn't like his emotions; he couldn't understand them. They were too ambiguous to discern, nothing like the cold-cut logical incisiveness he could trust in cognition. He couldn't figure out why what he'd just witnessed was making him feel so weird.

"Ferb is dating Vanessa! I can't believe it! My own brother is dating a girl, and he didn't tell me!" Phineas had reverted back to talking to himself as he walked; it bothered him less now that he was more concerned about suppressing the ocean of emotion that was sloshing around inside him than he was of his apparent sanity to passersby. "Is anyone else around here leading a bizarre double-life?" Phineas quickly thought of the rest of his family: Lawrence, Linda, Candace, Perry. Nope, no other double-lives that he could think of; only Ferb. The one he expected least of all. Except maybe Perry. He is a platypus, after all; they don't do much.

"Ferb is dating Vanessa!" Phineas said again, even annoying himself at his own repetitiveness. But as far as he could remember, he had never been so astonished before by anything. He wanted to shout gibberish into the skies, flail his arms like a caveman, or tug at the locks of his brilliant red hair; anything to relieve some of the stress building inside him. It was maddening. But he kept collected all the way home until he bumped into Candace while walking in the front door.

"Ferb is dating Vanessa!" Phineas exclaimed loudly as he closed the door.

"Yeah, everyone knows that." Candace said without even glancing up from the wedding dress she was fine tuning in the entryway.

"What? How come nobody told me?"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Candace paused this time to give Phineas a quizzical look, but instantly remembered who she was talking to. "It's even on Ferb's facebook page. I'm actually a little surprised that you missed this one." Turning back to her work, she breathed one last word. "Figures."

"So what you're telling me is that this startling information I just discovered has been publicly known for weeks?"

"Months, actually. It's officially two months now, I think they were going somewhere today to celebrate," Candace said as she pulled up a facebook post of Ferb's on her phone for Phineas to read.

'_Happy two month anniversary of our first date, Vanessa! I love you more than vampires love sucking blood' _Beneath was Vanessa's reply, which said, _'oh, u even included a vampire/goth reference, u really do know me so well! XOXOXXOOX'_

Phineas' jaw dropped as he read the posts. "Wow, talk about making a mockery of the last hour of my life."

"I keep telling you," Candace dryly remarked, "you and romance go together like clouds and a lake, where you are the lake and romance is the clouds as they sail by _way_ over your head."

"And Mom and Dad are fine with this?" Phineas asked, pointing at the phone.

"See for yourself," replied Candace, pointing over her shoulder at the kitchen.

Phineas directed himself where she indicated and found his parents sitting in front of a laptop, looking up pictures on various social networking sites.

"Oh there they are," Linda was telling her husband, "Ferb is giving Vanessa a piggy-back ride in this one."

"Yes, dear, and in this picture, they're skateboarding while holding hands," Lawrence replied.

"Ooh, look at this one! They're both eating from the same ice cream cone and getting ice cream all over their wittle noses!" Linda squeeled. "They're so cute together!"

"I couldn't agree more, darling."

Just then, Linda spotted her son and waved for him to come over. "Look at these, Phineas; between instagram and twitter, parents don't need to spy on their children's dates anymore. The kids upload everything that's going on for us to watch from the comfort of our own home!"

Phineas turned away from his parents and pulled out his radar invention from earlier. It confirmed that Ferb was indeed at the ice cream shop. Sighing, Phineas turned the device off and went upstairs to put it away.

"It seems like the only thing people care about anymore is who is in a relationship with who," Phineas said as he sealed himself in the quiet of his room. He needed this quiet, he needed time to think, to sort this all out. "What happened to the carefree times of fun-loving creations? What happened to the pure optimistic freedom of summer? Are real life rollercoasters not exciting enough anymore? Must everyone build emotional rollercoasters and dramatic rollercoasters to find happiness in life?"

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**Thanks for reading!**

**ayahsad167: If the chapter was that funny, then I consider it a success. I just hope I didn't set the bar too high with the first chapter because I want the whole thing to be just as hilarious.**

**Everyone else: I like reviews but I don't leave them often enough so it would be hypocritical to ask for them. Hopefully you like and laugh at this so you can all live longer.**

**PS-I added some minor tweaks to chapter one to get some meanings across better. Also, I lied about the being a critically acclaimed bestseller part in case you didn't know.**


	3. Love Is Not Blind, Just Oblivious

**Woo-hoo! Thanks for the sweet reviews, guys! I've never had this many to respond to before...**

**ayahsad167: Couldn't agree more. Well, then, I hope you find this chapter interesting...**

**Skia1717: Wow, you almost laugh as much as I do! LOL it means a lot to me to know that so far I have 'captured Phineas' personality perfectly,' because I couldn't make as much fun of it if I hadn't**

**TheNargana: Glad you liked it. My biggest goal with this story is to be funny.**

**All right, this chapter was a little tougher to write, but it sets up more of the story later, and I think is still pretty funny. Enjoy!**

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Love Is Not Blind, Just Oblivious

"_Hey, Phineas," Isabella said cutely as she walked into her true love's backyard. "What'cha doin'?"_

_Phineas turned away from the giant mechanical contraption he and his brother had just completed. Then he saw her, the love of his life, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro. His heart skipped a beat, his stomach did a backflip, and his pulse began to quicken; in fact, most of his body parts started behaving abnormally. Only for a split second, though, before he gathered the courage to say the words he had always dreamt he'd say but never could in his waking hours._

"_Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know what I've been doing, always getting wrapped up in all these silly projects that I don't care about!" Phineas' eyes turned to hearts as he dropped down on one knee. "It's you I care about, Isabella! Can we be together forever and ever and ever?"_

_Right before her eyes, Isabella watched Phineas' body transform into a muscular centaur. The sky turned to red, the color of love, while an angelic chorus sang somewhere in the background. Phineas held out his hand for Isabella to take and ride upon his back across a beautiful rainbow._

"_Yeah, we can definitely do that," Isabella beamed, and they ran away together into the sunset to live happily ever after._

Isabella put her pen down and looked over her work. "Oh, I could read those words a thousand times, reworded a thousand different ways, and never get bored!" she dreamily sighed, before tucking the slip of paper into the growing stack wedged inside her journal. She pushed herself up from her desk to stretch and get ready to go to Phineas' house, having previously made plans to go see if she could help out with Candace's wedding preparations.

"Today's the day, Isabella," she told her reflection in the mirror while she adjusted the pink bow on her head, "that you're gonna get Phineas to notice you." Deciding she looked perfect, she headed out the door and off to the Flynn-Fletcher's house.

Just as she had in her fantasy, Isabella entered her neighbor's backyard and said "Hi, Phineas! What'cha doin'?" She was surprised to find Phineas alone under his tree._ Perfect, Ferb is actually gone for once!_ Isabella thought.

As soon as he saw Isabella, Phineas jumped to his feet. "Hi, Isabella," he answered. "I'm waiting for Ferb to get back. I just learned he's been dating Vanessa."

"I thought they'd been dating for a couple months now?" Isabella asked.

"Yeah, but I only just found out about it today."

A plan was already formulating in Isabella's mind. "Cool. Can I sit by you? Under the tree?" Isabella put on her cutest facial expression.

"Sure," Phineas said as he sat down and leaned back against the trunk.

Isabella was hoping to get more of a reaction out of him than that, but was at least happy he would let her sit next to him as she took Ferb's usual spot.

"This is nice," Isabella said in an attempt to keep away the awkwardness of silence. "I can see why you guys like this spot so much."

"Mm-hm," was all Phineas said. Isabella glanced sideways at him, he seemed deep in thought. Was it possible he was as nervous right now as she was?

"So," she tried again, "did you guys decide on a cool project for today?"

"No, not with Ferb gone."

"Oh. How's Candace's wedding coming?"

"She is really trying hard to make it the perfect wedding. Ferb and I offered to help out, but she was insistent that she do everything herself. Candace really knows what she wants."

"Is she nervous about getting married tomorrow?" Isabella asked.

"If she is, she isn't showing it. Right now, my mom's teaching her how to cook, and she's actually doing a lot better than those brownies she baked last week."

"Cool," Isabella said, quickly running out of ideas for conversation. Should she mention the weather? No, that's dumb. Ponies? No, boys don't like that stuff. Declare to Phineas her undying love for him? Too weird, plus, she didn't know how he'd react if she just blurted it out like that. She finally decided to go with the default. "Hey, where's Perry?"

Phineas' eyes widened. "Hey, I know what we're going to do today! I built this tracking device earlier," Phineas said as he pulled his innovation out of his pocket. "It's a photo-scanning GPS device, you just scan in a picture of something you want to find, and it shows you where that thing is! Do you have a picture of Perry?"

"Yeah," Isabella said, reaching into her pocket. "It's on my brand new cell phone." She brought up a picture of Perry and Phineas scanned it with the device's lens. It took a second to calculate and then a map showed up on the screen, with a red dot blinking to display Perry's location.

"It says that Perry's inside the house," Phineas said. "Although, if you think about it, since this map gives us a bird's eye view, he might actually be somewhere underneath the house and we wouldn't be able to tell. But, since that's impossible…" Phineas turned off the electronic device and put it back in his pocket. "Great idea, Isabella. Now we finally know where Perry is." He settled back into his position, reclining against the tree.

Isabella looked back down at her phone in her hand, which still displayed the photo of Perry. She loved this cute picture of the little platypus; he was scratching his ear with his hind paw. Remembering to turn it off to save her battery, she suddenly had a brilliant idea.

She quickly typed a text and sent it, then made sure she had the sound on her phone turned up. A reply came back, and she made a show of reading it and responding.

"Who are you texting?" asked Phineas.

"A friend," Isabella remained vague on purpose.

"Cool." Apparently, Phineas was not curious enough to ask for more information.

Isabella looked down at her texted conversation so far. _'Ginger, pretend to be a boy and text me back. Trying to get P to notice me.'_

'_ok. Did u see the game last week?'_

'_2 obvious. Just have a normal textversation'_

'_um, let's see…wanna hear a dream i had about my cat?'_

Isabella glanced sidelong at Phineas to see if he was paying attention to her. He seemed to be respecting her privacy, she needed to do something about that.

"How do you spell 'maddening?'" she asked, angling her phone to let Phineas see her text.

"With two "D's," Phineas said.

'_grr, this isn't working'_ Isabella replied to Ginger.

'_how oblivious is he?'_

'_u have no idea'_

'_have u tryed asking for spelling help?'_

'_yeah, didn't work, but you occasionally need it'_

'_right, it's spelled tride, isn't it?'_

'_hello? Spell checker is right there on your phone!'_

Isabella turned her phone off and put it away. Phineas seemed a little too quiet, Isabella knew now that there was something on that creative mind that was really bothering him. And she was willing to bet it had something to do with Ferb. "What'cha thinkin' bout?" she asked.

Phineas didn't answer immediately; he took a little time to compose his thoughts. "Oh, a lot of things, really. It's been an interesting day."

Isabella played the patience game, waiting several seconds before asking her next question. "Oh? How so?"

Again Phineas was slow to respond. "Well, it's just—I didn't know Ferb had a girlfriend."

"Is that what's bothering you?" asked Isabella. "You're not okay with Ferb dating Vanessa?"

"No, nothing like that, it just—surprised me. A lot." Phineas took a deep breath. "I guess I just didn't realize that Ferb would get involved with someone that way. We've been brothers our whole lives, and we never spent a lot of time with other people before now."

Isabella was starting to like where this was going. Not only was she having some quality alone time with Phineas, but they were having a private, heart-to-heart talk! A rare occasion indeed!

"It really made me stop and think," Phineas continued, "if Ferb is going to be spending a lot more time with Vanessa, who am I going to hang out with from now on?"

_Am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?_ Isabella thought.

"And then," still Phineas spoke, "to top it all off, you know what I saw Ferb and Vanessa do? Isabella, I saw them kissing!" Phineas sat bolt upright at the memory.

_He used the 'k' word!_ Isabella thought she might faint. _He really just used the 'k' word!_ Holding her breath, she waited for what he'd say next.

"Seeing them kiss made me realize something." Phineas settled back against the tree. "I realized that I _really_ want," Phineas paused to decide how to phrase his thoughts.

_Say it,_ Isabella thought, squirming with anticipation._ Say it made you really want to kiss someone! To kiss me!_

"I realized that I really want to _never_ kiss a girl." Phineas stated.

Isabella's face fell as a jolting sting shot through her body.

"What?"

"I know, it sounds a little weird, but I've thought it out quite carefully," Phineas explained. "You see, kissing is merely an expression of passion, a way to show someone you care. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that if I cared about someone that much, I'd want to give her _more._ I'd want to give her something unique, something creative; like a chocolate swing-set, or a diamond necklace forged in the heart of a dying star." Phineas let his voice trail off with his last sentence: "Kissing is too mundane, too _ubiquitous_, to be worth my while."

Isabella was astonished beyond measure. This was not at all what she had expected to hear. But at the same time, she also thought it was sweet. In a way that was, so, 'Phineas.' However, that still didn't mean she wasn't a little angry; after all, he had basically just said to her face that he never wanted to kiss _her._

"So, what you're saying is, you never want to kiss _any_ girl?" Isabella asked.

Phineas turned to look at her; and she saw an odd look on his face. Slowly, he shook his head.

Isabella gave up; she could almost feel her head cartoonishly explode. Deciding it was better for her to leave now than to snap, she stood and muttered, "see you at the reception tomorrow," and practically bolted out the gate.

As Phineas watched Isabella go, he noticed something he hadn't seen in her before.

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**Thanks for reading, more is coming soon! Also, for anyone who's interested, I just updated my profile with a whole bunch of information about myself, so if you want to be bored out of your mind, you can go check it out. Unless you are the guy who's been stalking me, if so, I'm on to you! That's right! jk that was a joke:P**


	4. Candace's Perfect Day

**Sweet! More reviews! Thanks, guys!**

**Dora-nichov Russian Werewolf: Thanks, glad you liked it!**

**ayahsad167: I'm honored that I could elicit a rare laugh from you. I'll do my best to keep it up!**

**VanessaUltimateFanGirl: Good question. I suppose if he wasn't, this story probably wouldn't exist. **

**Anyways, quick note: This chapter's original version was way too long, I had to abridge a lot of the material, so sorry if some parts seem rushed, but they ultimately weren't necessary for the story. Adds to its satirical nature, at least. **

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Candace's Perfect Day

It was a rare occasion for Candace to beat her brothers out of bed in the morning, but none of her family thought anything of it; after all, today was her wedding day. And Candace had been planning this day out for a very long time. However, the decisions she made concerning this day are not to be included in this story, you'll have to look for them elsewhere.

There is one plan Candace had that is important to our story. Although at first she wouldn't consider it, she had come to realize that if she allowed Phineas and Ferb to build something for the wedding, she would finally have her chance to bust them, reasoning that there was no way it could disappear if her mom was right there at the wedding to see it! So that morning before she left to get ready for the ceremony, she asked the boys to build an invention and make sure it was there for everyone to see during the reception. They were happy to oblige.

* * *

The service was simple and beautiful. Candace looked very pretty in her white gown, and Jeremy was just as dashing in a sharp tux with his hair combed. Only immediate family and the closest of friends (namely Stacy) had been invited, the big celebration was to be at the reception in the Flynn-Fletcher's backyard later that night. There were tears, cheers, laughs and squirrels as the ceremony progressed, and when Jeremy was invited to kiss the bride, even Phineas watched. Candace had graduated from her first family into a new one; nothing could have been more perfect.

* * *

"Is that fluffy enough for you?" Phineas asked, holding aloft a pillow. "Hold on, I can get it even fluffier!" Phineas said as he shook and stretched the pillow out even more.

"Phineas," Candace asked, "What are you doing?"

"Grampa wanted an extra cushion for his chair," Phineas explained as he handed the pillow to Grandpa Fletcher. "He needs the extra support for his coccyx."

"Thank you, my lad," Grandpa Fletcher told Phineas through his monocle, "that will do just nicely."

"Grr! If you try a gag like that again, I might stunt you with that pillow!" Candace growled before stalking off.

"I think she meant to use the verbs gag and stunt the other way around," Phineas noted. He looked around to take in the backyard. Tables and chairs had been set up everywhere for the guests, who would be arriving soon. The smell of food was wafting through the air from the kitchen, a sure sign the reception was nigh to begin.

Right on time, the doorbell rang. Phineas ran to open the door to the first arrivals, the Garcia-Shapiro's, dressed in Sunday best. "Oi! Phineas, is that you? You've grown so much, I can't believe it!" Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro's rapid speech was difficult to understand as Phineas ushered them inside. Phineas tried to smile at Isabella but saw she was avoiding his gaze. Something in the pit of his stomach dropped. Was this about yesterday? Phineas' concentration ebbed as Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro continued to pepper him with heavily accented conversation, and his thoughts turned to a flashback.

"_Kissing is too mundane, too ubiquitous, to be worth my while," Phineas said. He had only meant that he felt kissing was overused as a way to let someone know they were special to you, thinking of all the times he'd walked in on Jeremy and Candace kissing while watching a movie or kissing while talking on the front porch or just plain kissing while not doing anything at all. Perhaps it wouldn't have been weighing on his mind so much if he hadn't found Ferb doing the same thing earlier that day, and he knew Ferb never did something without a good reason. That was why Isabella's next question caught him off guard._

"_So, what you're saying is, you never want to kiss any girl?"_

_Turning to look at Isabella, he was surprised by what he saw. There was some sort of an emotion hanging around behind her eyes; if he had to guess, it would be sadness. He was only thinking aloud when he said it and never imagined she would take objection; was kissing really so touchy of a subject for girls that Isabella took it personally? Whatever it was, he didn't want to lie; his good intentions really were to never kiss a girl. He shook his head 'no' in response._

_He immediately regretted it. Isabella had hung her head the moment she realized what he was saying. Before he could do anything, she stood and made a bee-line for the gate, giving him a hurried 'see you later' as she walked out._

Isabella continued to stare determinedly ahead as Phineas showed them to the backyard. Deciding he'd analyze this all later, he returned to the house to finish helping with the final preparations for the reception.

* * *

The sun was setting on a warm summer evening, still bright enough to see by, but it was wise to turn the lights on to be prepared. Dinner had turned out to be quite a meal, and the multitude of guests that had come for the reception were beginning to turn their attention from the food to the entertainment.

Phineas turned to Ferb. "Looks like it's time for us to seize the day!" he said, and Ferb nodded. They stood and made their way to the punch bowl. Ferb used the dipper to pour himself a drink, took a sip, then extracted something from his waistcoat pocket and placed it on the ground before dumping the remainder of his punch on the object. As soon as the liquid reacted with the object, something started to grow in its place, expanding into a small metal tower overlooking the yard.

"Wow," Phineas observed, "I was about to say a joke about somebody spiking the drinks, but I couldn't think of a _punch_-line." Ferb raised his eyebrows.

"Get it? _Pun_ch?" Ferb continued to look unflappable as ever.

"Sorry, couldn't help it," Phineas said sheepishly. "Seriously though, 'just-add-water' carbon nanotubes, best idea ever. Where'd you get the blueprints for that?"

Ferb pulled out a blueprint from his other waistcoat pocket, and Phineas looked over the sheet. "It says here it was patented by Doofenshmirtz Evil Ink. Either that's some sort of tattoo shop, or it's supposed to be incorporated and they have a typo."

The two boys climbed onto their makeshift stage overlooking the crowd and found all the equipment a professional DJ could ask for. Ferb pushed a few buttons to activate the speakers, and instantly music began pumping from overhead. People turned to see where this new sound was coming from and many began to cheer.

"This is gonna be awesome!" Phineas said.

"No it is not!" A familiar voice called from somewhere nearby. Phineas saw Candace walking Linda over to where he and Ferb were. "See Mom? Phineas and Ferb built this for the reception!"

"Really?" Linda asked, stunned. "Phineas, did you boys do all this for Candace?"

"Yeah, Mom! Pretty cool, huh?"

Candace was thrilled that her mother finally saw the boys' creation. "Are you gonna _bust 'em-bust 'em_?" she asked in a singsong voice.

"You want me to bust them for building a DJ booth for your reception?" Linda remarked.

Candace's face fell. "Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bustable."

"I thought so. I actually don't know how we forgot to plan on some music for this gig in the first place," Linda suspiciously commented. As she spoke, some of the crowd hurried to push tables and chairs out of the way, making room for a dance floor in the center of the lawn. "Well, Candace, now's your time! The bride and groom traditionally start the dancing."

"Oh, right!" Candace's face instantly lightened back up, even a failed bust attempt couldn't dampen her spirits on her wedding day. Ferb changed the music to something classical, and Jeremy quickly appeared to walk Candace to the middle of the empty space. They set their feet, stepped into each other's arms, and began to dance to the music. The people watching cheered, and within a few seconds other couples began to join in, including the parents of the bride and groom.

"It's time to dance like it's 1984!" Phineas said to Ferb, who nodded and increased the tempo of the song.

Phineas scanned over the crowd. Grandmas Betty Jo and Hildegard were sitting at a table bickering over who could spit watermelon seeds the furthest, Irving was flying back and forth with his camera trying to snap all the action he could find, and more couples were beginning to join the dancing as Jeremy waltzed Candace across the lawn. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, causing a big smile to cross Phineas' face.

He saw Ferb trying to catch his eye, and understood that Ferb wanted to dance with Vanessa. "I got it from here, Bro," Phineas said, and Ferb hopped off the stand to join the expanding circle of dancers. Phineas changed the song to something more upbeat and watched everybody pick a partner and jump in. Ferb bowed low and extended his hand to Vanessa in a gentlemanly fashion, and Phineas knew they would soon be the center of attention. Casting his eyes about, Phineas saw Baljeet shyly approach Ginger Hirano, who practically jumped into his arms in enthusiasm. Her older sister Stacy was already dancing with a curly haired boy Phineas didn't know but recognized as a member of Jeremy's old band. It was the perfect vantage point, and seeing his friends' happiness brought Phineas happiness. Everyone was here, everyone was dancing, and everyone was happy, for as far as he could see. Everyone, that is, until he saw Isabella sitting alone watching from a table at the far side of the backyard. And he immediately noticed that she had the same sad look on her face that he'd seen the day before.

Something inside Phineas cried out. She looked so forlorn, which was unusual for her cheerful personality, she was usually the life of the party. And yet, she just sat and watched as the crowd continued to dance away. Why wasn't she dancing like everybody else? Surely, that would cheer her up. Had nobody asked her to dance with them? Didn't anyone realize she didn't have a partner?

"Looks like Isabella doesn't have a dance partner," somebody said.

Phineas looked to his side to see Buford, who had apparently followed Phineas' gaze to the far side of the party.

"And neither do you, Buford," Phineas noted.

"Right you are, Pointy. Right you are." Buford took a loud slurp of the punch he held in his hand.

"Are you going to ask her to dance?" Phineas inquired.

Buford distractedly gave an obnoxious belch. "What?" He asked.

"Isabella looks so sad. Why don't you ask her to dance?"

"Me? No way!" Buford responded. "Don't you know? Girls have cooties! And I ain't showered since last Thursday, no need to get contaminated before my next bathing session in a fortnight!"

"Aw, but somebody really needs to ask her to dance; I mean, look at her." Phineas turned back across the yard in time to see Isabella sigh and start drawing shapes on her table mat. Then it finally hit him.

"Wait! Buford, can you take over the controls for me?" Phineas inquired.

"I thought you'd never ask," Buford cracked his knuckles and took charge of the DJ jammz, freeing Phineas from the booth. Phineas wasted no time making his way across the lawn to Isabella, finding her tracing little heart and triangle shapes into her handkerchief with her finger.

"Hey, Isabella," Phineas approached, "are you looking for a partner to dance with?"

Isabella looked up as soon as she heard her name and instantly blushed red. "Phineas? You—want to—dance—with me?"

"Yeah," Phineas grinned. "It'll be fun!" He stretched out his hand to assist her to her feet.

Isabella giggled softly and took it. She forgot about the handkerchief draped across her lap, which fell as she stood up.

"Whoops!" She said, turning red again.

"No worries, Isabella, I got it!" Phineas exclaimed as he bent over to pick up the napkin. He handed it to Isabella. "Here you go."

He thought he was being nice, so Phineas was absolutely perplexed when he saw the same sad look cross Isabella's face again.

* * *

_If only he'd just looked at my handkerchief a little closer, he'd finally understand,_ Isabella thought as she accepted the little white piece of fabric from Phineas. She covertly inspected it to find the markings she'd made earlier that day, when she had formulated her new plan to break through Phineas' obliviousness. In careful penmanship she had written the words _I love you._ When the moment was right, she let it slip from her lap on purpose, hoping for Phineas to see it and read what she just couldn't bring her mouth to say. It had worked in a novel she'd recently read! But yet again, Phineas was too oblivious for even that, and her plan backfired as he instead gave back her napkin without even looking at it. It was so close, too!

"Are you alright, Isabella?" Phineas asked, interrupting her thoughts.

Suddenly a bright red laser randomly flashed out of nowhere and hit the two of them. When the light faded, all that was left was an empty chair and a table covered in a clean white table cloth.

* * *

**Thanks for reading and all the reviews! My updates might get a little slower in the next month, I have to start preparing for finals... But I have some crazy ideas for the next couple chapters, if I may be so bold to say the best is yet to come.**


	5. The Satire-inator

**I'm glad to see so many people are liking this so far. I really appreciate everyone who has left a review or comment, here's some replies!**

**ayahsad167: Indeed... Wait, there's a plot?**

**theskyseemsblue: So, does that mean you're a _girl_ that's stalking me? Cause that I wouldn't mind so much, haha jk.**

**Elcall: Thanks, I have never received a more excited review. Glad you like it so far.**

**Dora-nichov Russian Werewolf: Thanks! I'll keep writing as long as people keep reading!**

**PhinabellaDirectioner: Well, wait no longer!**

**VanessaUltimateFanGirl: Yes, that Doofenshmirtz does tend to create problems on occasion... It's a funny thing when you can end with a cliffhanger like that and nobody considers it to be odd.**

**So, three people called this story 'amazing,' I'm flattered but I just write to the best of my ability. Hopefully what I have in store doesn't disappoint:)**

* * *

_Previously on __In Praise of Romance__…_

"_Are you alright, Isabella?" Phineas asked, interrupting her thoughts._

_Suddenly a bright red laser randomly flashed out of nowhere and hit both he and Isabella. When the light faded, all that was left was an empty chair and a table covered in a clean white table cloth._

* * *

The Satire-inator

_About fifteen minutes earlier…_

After making sure the coast was clear, Perry pulled his fedora out from under the doormat where he had last stashed it and rang his owner's doorbell. Strangely, no noise was made; instead, a hidden pet-sized door materialized below the doorknob, and he stepped through it not into the house, but into his secret agent lair.

Agent P placed his fedora on his head and sat in his red lair chair. Major Monogram's face instantly appeared on the screen above. "Ah, Agent P, we're glad you're here. Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased a small collection of classical books, some rechargeable batteries, and scented deodorant. We don't know what relationship exists between these items or if he's even using them for evil, but one thing is certain: he must be stopped. Good luck, Agent P."

Agent P saluted his superior officer and departed hastily.

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated_, somebody hummed absentmindedly to the Pavlovian stimulation of a giant purple skyscraper.

Agent P floated gently from the string of a balloon to a window and climbed into his nemesis' apartment.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, at last you have arrived," Doofenshmirtz acknowledged the secret agent's presence. "But, I'm afraid you've run out of time!" The evil scientist pressed a red button on a small remote he'd produced from his lab coat, and the platypus was sealed inside an hourglass. A trickle of sand fell from the top portion onto Agent P as he stood trapped below.

"Perfect. Now that you are trapped, let me reveal to you my latest evil masterpiece," Doofenshmirtz began. "Behold, my Satire-inator!" Doofenshmirtz made a show of pulling off a sheet, revealing beneath a mechanical device that looked somewhat like a washing machine with a keyboard attached to it. "You see, Perry the Platypus, I recently developed an interest in reading classical novels. But I don't always like the way they end, so I built this Satire-inator to change them for me. It automatically changes any book it hits from a regular story into a satire! Now, I don't know what would happen if it hit a story that was already a satire, heh, maybe it would just turn into something completely unintelligible-like a plotless 'quote-themed' fan-fiction, or something-I don't know. The important thing is that by changing the ending of every beloved book from ages past, I will become ruler of the Tri-State Area! How, might you ask, will changing the endings of fictional writings affect a relocation of political power? To be honest, I don't really know, but I hated the way _The Iliad_ ended, so I figured I'd just go with it and see what happens. Now watch, Perry the Platypus, as I turn every story into a satire in the entire Tri-State Area!"

Doofenshmirtz hit the 'on' switch on the side of his creation and typed a few strokes into the keyboard. A small ray gun extruded from the inside of the machine and pointed at a bookcase nearby. A red beam of light illuminated the room in a flash, connecting with the bookcase. The covers of several books were visible, and Agent P watched their titles transfigure before his eyes. _The Lord of the Rings_ became 'The Lord of the Flyswatters.' _War and Peace_ changed to 'A Thousand and One Pages.' _Romeo and Juliet_ morphed to 'How to Get a Guy to Commit Suicide in Ten Days.'

"Aha, it works! Now, Perry the Platypus, prepare to be swept by a rising tide of evil literature! Wait, Perry the Platypus, what are you doing?" Doofenshmirtz turned to see that Agent P was sitting on a sandcastle "chair" he'd built and was reading a book while waiting.

"Oh, I see how it is! You're making fun of me with irony, which is itself ironic since I built a satire-themed inator—it's like nested irony. Oh, you're on, Perry the Platypus! I'll show you!" With that, Doofenshmirtz aimed his Satire-inator at the book in Perry's hands and fired, but all the beam did was blast a large crack in the hourglass. Agent P seized the opportunity by slamming the book hard against the crack, causing the glass to shatter.

"And I just accidentally freed you from your trap. And by accidentally, of course I mean, OOF!" Doofenshmirtz was interrupted as Agent P punched the evil scientist in the face, knocking him over. "Dentally," Doofenshmirtz said, rubbing his jaw. Agent P quickly found the self-destruct button of the inator, conveniently located on the dashboard.

"No!" Doofenshmirtz cried. "What have you done, Perry the Platypus? By destroying my Satire-inator, you may have inadvertently turned this story into a satire! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" Agent P had already left.

"Wait a second, it didn't actually say, 'the Satire-inator blew up,' which means it's still here! Now I am free to go forward with my heinous project!"

Then the Satire-inator blew up. As it did, one unnoticed laser beam shot randomly into the night.

"Okay, you got me there," the evil doctor continued, "but I just realized that it didn't even say whether Perry the Platypus actually pushed the button! I mean, come on! Is it really that imperative that I lose this battle? I'm out of books to hit with my Satire-inator anyways. It's not like I built wheels on it, so I could take it to the library and unleash its full potential there—which I now realize would have been an infinitely better plan—I mean, really? You're just going to leave me hanging here? Who am I even talking to anyways?"

At that moment, Norm the robot appeared and said, "I'll assist you in your obsession with the fourth wall, sir."

A look of disgust came over Doofenshmirtz. "I think I'll take the satire over that."

* * *

"Lalalalala, romance! Leeteedeedeedee, true love!" Candace sang to herself as she carefully placed a wedding picture of herself and Jeremy inside a frame in their new apartment. Just then, she heard a soft 'thud' behind her. She glanced back at the noise absentmindedly then did a hard double-take. "Phineas!" she growled, "what are you doing in my house? I live here now, you can't just waltz right in like you own the place!"

Phineas blinked his eyes in a confused and disoriented manner. "Candace?" he finally said. "How did I get here?"

"I was just asking you the same question." Candace said. "Here I am, trying to pack for my honeymoon, and you still can't stop annoying me!"

"Honeymoon?" Phineas asked. "What?"

"It's something newlyweds do when they get married; they go on a trip to celebrate." Candace explained.

Phineas shook his head, hoping to clear it. "I know that, but where am I?"

"What do you mean, where are you? You're in my house! You shouldn't be here, you should be back home!" Candace noticed the confused look Phineas gave her. "What's the matter? Did you fall so head-over-heels that you don't even know where you live anymore?"

"What?" Phineas was even more confused now.

"Oh, that must be it!" Comprehension dawned on Candace, causing her to pound her open palm. "It's alright, Phineas, I remember exactly how it feels. Don't worry, you'll have your head properly screwed back on in about a week. Now go on back home, me and Jeremy's flight leaves in a couple hours, and I still have more stuff to pack." Candace turned her brother around and pushed him out the door.

Phineas stepped outside to have his eyes saluted by the bright morning sun. He immediately knew where he was, the cheap apartments in downtown Danville. This particular building was at least sixty floors tall and was one of the stranger buildings in the city. It was colored bright purple, and Phineas had always thought that its shape vaguely resembled Ferb's head. Other than that, it was highly forgettable; at least, he didn't remember ever being inside it before. He was actually pretty close to the park. Home was not far away, he'd be able to walk the distance. In fact, Phineas thought, though he didn't know why; if he happened to have a jet pack, the trip would probably be unrealistically short indeed.

Looking down, he noticed that he was still wearing slacks and a tie from the reception. The reception! That was the last thing he could remember! He and Ferb had built a DJ studio for the party, then he'd gone over to talk to Isabella, and he couldn't remember what had happened after that. Why? How did he get from asking Isabella to dance to standing in Candace's apartment? And how was it morning already?

Nothing was making much sense, but Phineas decided to at least go home and change into his regular clothes before trying to figure out what was going on. He watched a small hover car fly past overhead and land on the dome roof of the purple building before setting off for home.

* * *

The walk, a shower, and fresh clothing did the trick, he was feeling much more like himself. He'd even had some ideas for the day's project and was starting to wonder where Ferb was when Phineas found his mother in the kitchen.

"Oh, Phineas! Could I ask a favor of you?" Linda inquired.

"Sure, Mom, what is it?"

"Your father and I are going to the airport to see off Candace and Jeremy on their honeymoon but I need to return some DVD's I borrowed from Isabella's mom, Vivian. Could I get you to take them to her for me?" Linda said, winking at Phineas.

"Yeah Mom, no problem, but why are you winking at me?"

"It'll give you a chance to see a certain special someone." She winked again.

"Oh-kay."

"The DVD's are over there on the counter," Linda pointed. "Have fun, see ya!" She waved, walking out the door.

Phineas looked through the stack of DVD's his mother had specified. They were all "chick flicks," the kind of movies that made him cringe at their cheesy, fluffy storylines which always seemed to end with the same old, predictable, "True-love's first kiss." He couldn't even sit through one anymore because his mother and Candace would always shake the couch while they cried at the film. Best to get them out of the house sooner rather than later, he thought, so he placed them all in a grocery bag and headed for Isabella's.

* * *

**Thanks for reading and all the reviews! I've got one big homework project down, two to go, but I'll try to update no later than the end of this month.**


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